Tag Archives: loss

Essential Oils to Help You Through Your Loss or Break Up

February 14th is Valentine’s Day when many couples plan some special time together. In the leadup to Valentine’s Day it’s hard to go anywhere without seeing shop windows with some sort of Valentine’s Day advertising or hearing lovers discuss the gift they got or what they will be doing.

If you have recently been through a break up or have lost someone dear to you this can be a trying time as you go through the various feelings associated with losing someone you love or loved. Rather than ignoring or suppressing these feelings use these essential oils to help you as you process your emotions so you can move on ready to love again.

You may also want to try the following affirmation when you are ready. “I am able to let go of this person as I have compassion, love and respect for him/her and myself. I wish love and joy to both of us.”

The following oils can help you to release the emotional trauma of your break up or loss.
Use them in a relaxing bath, as a perfume, in a massage blend or in a vaporiser. Although you may feel that you are suffering from all the emotions below limit your blend to 3 oils. For massage use no more than 10 drops of combined essential oils in 20mls of cold pressed vegetable oil. 6 drops is sufficient in a bath but don’t use clove or thyme in the bath.

ANGER – Bergamot, lavender, lemon, lime, neroli, petitgrain, ylang ylang.
ANXIETY – Geranium, grapefruit, jasmine, lavender, marjoram, spikenard, thyme.
BETRAYAL– Palmarosa.
COMPASSION – Rose.
CONFUSION – Clary sage, eucalyptus, geranium, grapefruit, lemon, lemongrass.
DEPRESSION – Bergamot, clary sage, jasmine, mandarin, neroli, petitgrain, teatree.
FORGIVENESS – Lavender, rose.
GRIEF – Bergamot, roman chamomile, clary sage, lavender, myrrh, rose, spikenard.
JOY – Bergamot, juniper, mandarin.
MOVING ON – Clove, cypress.
OBSESSIVENESS – Marjoram, myrrh, sandalwood.
STRENGTH – Cedarwood, thyme.

Essential Oils and Unresolved Grief

Unresolved grief

Grief is love turned into an eternal missing
Rosamund Lupton

I have written about grief before. This is the type of grief most people think about, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, career, home or limb, relationship breakup or divorce.

There is another type of grief that is rarely spoken of or understood by those not affected by it. In this type of grief the person doesn’t know with certainty how or where their loved one died or even that they are dead. Part of them knows that their loved one is dead but another holds on to the belief that because a body has not been found they may still be out there somewhere unable to contact them.

This type of grief is known as unresolved grief, ambiguous loss or frozen grief and the person may never recover or may seem to recover from the loss but it is just under the surface. This type of grief is often found in those who have a relative missing in action in war, been kidnapped and/or murdered; the person or body is never found leaving the relatives continually looking for answers.

This grief can never be truly healed until the person learns the circumstances of their loved one’s death and the body or remains are found. There will still be pain and a sense of loss but the emptiness and uncertainty will be gone and the person will have closure.

There is often a sense that they must bring the body home and have a funeral for the relative or for them to be buried where they are safe and cared for.

Sometimes this sense of unresolved grief can be handed down the generations as in the case of ANZAC soldiers lost in the 1st World War. We see grandchildren, great grandchildren, cousins, nieces and nephews searching for the names of lost relatives in the towns of Fromelles and Villers-Bretonneux in France. Once they find the grave of their lost relative there there is a sense of relief and they are finally able to let go of the need to search for this relative.

This sense of loss may not only be confined to the friends and relatives but also to those involved in the search for a missing person. I once saw a programme about the search for Flight VH-MDX.
33 years ago flight VH-MDX with 5 people on board disappeared over the Barrington Tops near Newcastle in NSW. This area has been described by some as a jungle. During the programme they interviewed the friend who charted the plane, some relatives of the missing men, the airport controllers and Dick Smith from CASA the civil aviation safety authority. It was obvious that even after 33 years these people were still affected by the loss of these men. The daughter of one of the men said that, “we need to solve this one so that we all know what happened” while the son of another said that it would mean everything to him to find his father, bring him home and have a funeral.

Sometimes this sense of unresolved grief can be compounded by other feelings as in the case 16 years ago when 2 young teenagers accepted a lift in a country town where they were living. One realised something was wrong and managed to escape while her friend did not and was never seen again. The feeling of guilt at accepting the lift was further compounded by her despair and anger at the police not believing her and not instigating a search for the missing girl due to their bad reputations in the town.

Unresolved grief is not only restricted to the mysterious death or disappearance of a loved one. There are many other examples including the loss of a dream that can never come true, for example finding out that you can never conceive a much longed for child. An abortion, miscarriage or being forced to give up a child you have given birth to can lead to a sense of unresolved grief if you are continually thinking about the child you lost and the life you and they missed out on – going to school, dating, marriage and grandchildren. A parent who has given up a child and the child who was given up may continually wonder about their child or biological parent and the possibility of seeing or meeting them again.

A child who was deserted by a parent may feel a sense of unresolved grief wondering why their parent left them and grieve for the times they don’t get to share with the missing parent.

The spouse or child of a person who has Alzheimer’s may feel a sense of unresolved grief especially if the person no longer remembers who they are. Even if the person does remember them they may have changed their personality or live in the distant past. In this case the relative is grieving the person who once was and their relationship to them which is forever changed.

A person experiencing unresolved grief may have difficulty with transition or change, making major decisions that affect their life, maybe unable to accept disappointment or loss and move on, or feel continually hopeless, depressed, anxious or guilty. They may suffer from post-partum depression, emotional withdrawal, insecurity or restlessness.

Essential Oils
Although only having closure can truly heal this kind of grief essential oils can help ease the sense of loss and allow them to more easily deal with change and other losses in their life both minor and major.

Angelica (Angelica archangelica) emotional balance
Angelica helps to restore a sense of emotional balance, rediscover your own inner strength and release negative feelings from traumatic events.

Bergamot (Citrus bergamia) joy
Bergamot helps to soothe your feelings of anger, frustration and blame. She helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel and bring a sense of joy back into your life. Don’t apply to skin that will be exposed to sunlight within 24 hours as she is phototoxic.

Chamomile Roman (Chamaemelum nobile) peace
Roman Chamomile helps you to feel at peace with the way you are feeling and soothes your feelings of being abandoned by the one you loved.

Cypress (Cupressus sempervirens) transition
Cypress is calming at times of transition and when difficult changes need to be made. She helps you to move on in your life.

Juniper (Juniperus communis) physical and emotional purifier
Juniper helps reduce obsessional thoughts, preoccupation with the past, emotional confusion and mental restlessness.

Kunzea (Kunzea ambigua) safe
Kunzea helps to release the shock and pain of your loss and to know you are safe.

Lavender (Lavandula angustafolia) nurture and forgiveness
Lavender reminds you to take time to nurture yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually during this time. She allows you to forgive yourself for things left unsaid or undone.

Marjoram (Marjoram hortensis) comfort
Marjoram can bring a sense of comfort and stop those anxious and what if thoughts that seem to be going on in your mind on a non-stop loop.

Myrrh (Commiphora molmol) healing
Myrrh brings a sense of inner stillness and peace that helps to ease your sorrow and grief and your feelings of loss and rejection.

Neroli (Citrus aurantium var. amara) reassurance
Neroli eases emotional exhaustion and helps bring unexpressed anger and feelings of denial to the surface.

Pine (Pinus sylvestris) self-confidence
Pine can be used to restore self-confidence, increase low self-esteem and clear negative energy from yourself and your environment.

Sandalwood (Santalum album) stillness
Sandalwood can help you cut your ties with the past and move through your feelings of loss and isolation. She can bring a sense of clarity and moments of stillness.

HOW TO USE THE OILS
Look through the list and choose one to three oils that seem to resonate with how you are feeling. Either use the oils singly or in a blend in any of the following.

Vaporize 3 or 4 drops in a diffuser or oil burner to scent the room.

Room or body mists. Add 50 mls of purified water or hydrosol to a 100ml coloured spray bottle then add 30 drops of your essential oil blend and fill the bottle with another 50 mls of water or hydrosol. Replace the top and shake the bottle before each use. You can use this to spray a room but be careful not to get on your furniture, spray on yourself or spray the area in front of you and walk through the mist to cleanse or heal your aura.

Inhalation. Put up to 12 drops in a personal inhaler and inhale when you need the oils support. You can also place a couple of drops on a handkerchief to take with you or place under your pillow at night to help you sleep if you prefer.

Essential Oils for Grief and Loss

We all go t Grief hrough periods of grief and loss in our lives. When thinking about grief and loss you may equate it with the death of a partner, parent, child, close friend, relative or even a beloved family pet but there are many events in your life where you experience loss. Some examples include the loss of a job or career, the loss of your home due to fire or being unable to pay the mortgage or because the owner of your rented house or apartment wanted to tear it down, renovate or sell it. You may go through a relationship breakup or divorce. You may face a loss of identity due to the amputation of a limb or your children growing up and leaving home. You may also grieve the loss of a dream that can never come true, for example finding out that you can never conceive a much longed for child.

With loss you lose hope or what is familiar and must embark on a new life in the unknown. It can take time to grieve for what you have lost especially if it was someone, thing or place that was deeply loved. Losing your sense of self can also take time to process and heal as you mourn the loss of a limb, breast, being a mother, father or carer or even leaving behind a life of drugs and/or alcohol for an addiction free life can result in your questioning who am I now or what do I do now?

All life is transition and change and it is how you deal with these losses that shape your life. Some you can pass through very quickly but others will take more time to process. Each person experiences loss and grief in their own way and must be given the time and space to express themselves.

Grief expresses itself in many different ways including but not limited to anxiety, fear, sadness, despondency, tears, guilt, anger, frustration, numbness, remorse, blame, regret, withdrawal, worthlessness, stress and depression. You may do things that seem out of character for you. You may lose your appetite or eat continually trying to fill the void of what has been lost. You may sleep too much or be unable to get to or stay asleep. You may lose your hair or notice skin changes due to stress and anxiety. In Chinese medicine grief is considered to be the province of the lungs and so six months to a year after the loss you may suffer from lung related issues like flu, bronchitis or pneumonia.

If the loss was sudden and unexpected you may be in “what if..?” mode or regret the things you might have said or done or not said or done if you had known what was about to happen.

The following essential oils can help ease you through the grieving process allowing you to move on with your life. It is important when choosing which oils you will work with to keep in mind that aromas can be associated with a particular memory and to perhaps not choose a blend that you will use in the future which could be associated with your present loss and its painful memories especially in the case of the death of a loved one.

Bergamot (Citrus bergamia) joy
Bergamot helps to soothe your feelings of anger, frustration and blame. She helps you see the light at the end of the tunnel and bring a sense of joy back into your life. Don’t apply to skin that will be exposed to sunlight within 24 hours as bergamot is phototoxic.

Cedarwood (Cedrus atlantica) courage
Cedarwood gives you the courage and strength to hold firm in the midst of crisis and know that you will get through this.

Chamomile Roman (Chamaemelum nobile) peace
Roman Chamomile helps you to feel at peace with the way you are feeling and soothes your feelings of being abandoned by the one you loved.

Cinnamon (Cinnamon zeylanicum) warmth
Cinnamon helps to dispel the numbness and isolation you may be feeling. She is emotionally warming and can help you regain your passion and purpose for life.

Cypress (Cupressus sempervirens) transition
Cypress is calming at times of transition and when difficult changes need to be made. She helps you to move on in your life.

Frankincense (Boswellia carteri) calm and centre
Frankincense helps to calm and centre you when your mind seems to be overwhelmed with thoughts of what must be done or should have been done. She slows and deepens your breath so you can think more clearly. She can help you break free of the past.

Geranium (Pelargonium graveolens) balance
Geranium helps to even out the emotional roller-coaster you seem to be on. She brings a feeling of calm strength, security and balance and soothes feelings of anger, frustration and irritability.

Grapefruit (Citrus paradisi) optimism
Grapefruit helps dispel the anger, frustration, blame and depression. She brings a sense of optimism that you will get through this time of loss.

Kunzea (Kunzea ambigua) safe
Kunzea helps to release the shock and pain of your loss and to know you are safe.

Lemon (Citrus limonum) clarity
Lemon helps clear your mind so that you can think clearly. Often at this time you will be feeling confused or unable to think clearly. She will also help uplift you mentally and emotionally. Don’t apply to skin that will be exposed to sunlight within 24 hours as lemon is phototoxic.

Linden blossom (Tilia vulgaris) love and respect
Linden blossom brings love and oneness to your heart and a respect for others and yourself especially when others seem not to care.

Marjoram (Marjoram hortensis) comfort
Marjoram can bring a sense of comfort and stop those anxious and what if thoughts that seem to be going on in your mind on a non-stop loop. She can help you accept your loss.

Myrrh (Commiphora molmol) healing
Myrrh brings a sense of inner stillness and peace that helps to ease your sorrow and grief and your feelings of loss and rejection.

Neroli (Citrus aurantium var. amara) reassurance
Neroli helps to bring a sense that things will get better. She eases emotional exhaustion and helps bring unexpressed anger and feelings of denial to the surface.

Rose (Rosa damascena) compassion
Rose allows you to have compassion for the situation, person or yourself and to let go with love.

Vetiver (Vetiveria zizanoide) grounding
Vetiver helps to ground you offering you support and strength during this time of loss.

Ylang Ylang (Cananga odorata) tranquillity
Ylang Ylang helps calm feelings of anger and frustration and brings a sense of tranquillity. She has a very strong aroma so only a very little is needed.

HOW TO USE THE OILS
Look through the list and choose one to three oils that seem to resonate with how you are feeling. Either use the oils singly or in a blend in any of the following.

Vaporize 3 or 4 drops in a diffuser or oil burner to scent the room. A grapefruit and frankincense blend will work well here when you want to cleanse the room of heavy emotions and help you breathe deeper and easier.

Inhalation. Put some cottonballs in a small bottle and add 3 drops of essential oil. Close the lid and take with you to sniff when you need the oils help. You can also place a couple of drops on a handkerchief to take with you or place under your pillow at night to help you sleep if you prefer. You can also use a personal inhaler.

Add 4 to 6 drops to some full fat milk and add to your bath. The milk allows the oils to disperse in the water rather than sit on top.

Make a massage blend using 4 to 5 drops in 10mls of vegetable oil to massage your tight neck and shoulders. A gentle hand massage may also be considered. You could also use the blend on your chest to help move the grief through your lungs and sleep at night.

In addition you may want to wear a rose quartz pendant. You could also place a small tumble stone in the vegetable oil you set aside to make your blend for a few hours so it can absorb the energies of the rose quartz. Rose quartz is well known as a stone of compassion and love that opens the heart chakra allowing deep inner healing so that you are able to let the person/ situation go with love.

An affirmation that might help at this time is “I am able to let go of this person/situation as I have compassion, love and respect for them/it and myself. I wish love and joy to both of us.”

Finally take time out to be with friends, go for walks and talk about your loss. Nourish yourself physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. If it is your partner, relative or friend who has experienced a loss simply be there to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on.

If you would like a personalised grief inhaler or massage blend feel free to send me an email to discuss your needs.

Not Just A Pretty Smell - Explore new Ways of Using Essential Oils